Did you ever think that allowing yourself to appear weak in front of others could be a gift? I didn't. I thought the fact that I can get so emotional was definitely a weakness. I cry over commercials, I cry when I watch Oprah, I cry when I hear awesome music, and I definitely cry when I am going through a rough spot, and I am sharing it with someone. I met a really amazing woman last year, her name is Rita. I had a particularly rough year last year. Tough financial times, struggling with depression a little, but I was still plugging through. I saw Rita once a week (She was the leader of my Women's Bible Study group) , and she would call me once a week. She didn't know the details of my troubles, but she knew I was having a difficult time. Her sincerity, and warm hugs, never failed to make me cry. I would get all embarrassed. I told her that it was humiliating to me that I could not control my emotions. I shared with her that I at one time used prescription medication (anti-depressants) to help me manage these emotions. They would allow me to stay straight faced and calm, even under stress. I don't like feeling out of control. I chose to go off of that medication many years ago because even though I don't like to break down in front of others, I also don't like to be stoic. It is not me. If I am calm and cool, I want it to be a genuine peace I am feeling, not a drug induced one. One day when I was talking to Rita, she told me that my ability to expose my vulnerability was a gift that God had given me. She said that most people would look at me and think I had my act together all of the time, they might not see themselves as like me, because on the outside I am pretty buttoned up. By allowing myself to be vulnerable, to share my own struggles and weakness, I am showing others God's love. Talk about turning the typical "What is your weakness" interview question into a positive--- Rita rocks. I am not embarrassed by tears anymore. What weakness" do you have that could be used for God's purpose?
I enter this new week a little tired, but smiling. Why? No drama this weekend. We had sunshine, and sports, and cuddle time--- less the drama. Most families don't experience the intense level of emotions that the Rhodes clan does. Sure, they have the hectic life of families, perhaps some fighting, the normal mess--- perhaps a little teen hormone induced drama....but we have drama of a different kind in our house. The kind of drama caused by a brain that is shooting off crazy chemicals induced by years of trauma. When our son Victor is home, the whole world is a great big land mine. Saying the wrong thing, calling him out on behavior, or even suggesting that he not eat a 4th serving of ice cream can cause the the peace to recede, and for chaos to ensue. He is now in a boarding school for kids with emotional issues. As sad as it is that our family isn't all together--- I must admit that the peace in our household is a welcome blessing. We are learning more and more
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